Cause We Are The Same (Erwin x Levi x OC)
by tamagolorelei
Summary: How to deal with a life of losses? It's hard, but finding someone to rely on can make things a little more bearable. (SPOILER ALERT: it contains spoilers if you haven't read up until chapter 86 of the manga)
1. pt 1

_I got the idea to write this when reading SNK's manga, so it contains SPOILERS from around chapters 80 to 86. There're a few lines from the original work. I do not intend on taking credit for it, it's just that it was such awesome scenes that I wanted to work around them (the conversations between Erwin and Levi)._

 _I hope you enjoy, and I'll be happy to hear your opinion about it._

* * *

 _pt. 1_

Erwin was being stubborn. As usual.

When he got something into his head there was no turning back.

— I'll break both your legs if it's what it takes to make you not go — tried captain Levi, as a last resource against the commander's will.

Erwin laughed. That didn't seem to impress him, not he didn't think captain Levi was capable of that, but his desire to go along didn't seem to be shaken by that threat.

— I'll tell the higher-ups I complained until you gave in.

That didn't have any kind of result as well.

Levi was desperate. He truly worried for his commander to go at such conditions. Erwin was a symbol to humanity as well as to his soldiers. But it didn't look like he understood his importance. And that not only pissed captain Levi off — a lot of things pissed him off — that made him make an expression of sadness I didn't think he was able to do until that moment.

* * *

Until a few minutes ago, a reunion regarding the expedition to go retrieve Wall Maria was taking place. When it ended, all those military and politicians left the room, and I was on my way to go make a report to Erwin. Instead, I accidentally eavesdropped his conversation with captain Levi.

I was also worried about Erwin. I just didn't managed to tell anyone about it. By hearing their conversation, my hands closed in a fist, kneading the report I was supposed to deliver to the commander. I was anxious, my worries were pretty similar to the captain's. I, however, didn't intrude the room. I knew myself, and I knew Erwin. I wouldn't be able to persuade him either, and that would make me visibly miserable. I just waited. Waited that captain Levi would be able to do what I knew I wouldn't. But that didn't happened either, and he ended up giving up.

I was about to leave that place. Screw the reports, I wouldn't be able to look at Erwin at my current state. But I wasn't fast enough. Captain Levi got to the half open door first. And he saw me there. But apparently he understood by my silence I didn't want to go there right now. My eyes thanked him and I left in a hurry, still holding on to that stupid report.

At the time, I didn't realized there were tears coming down my cheeks.

* * *

I secluded myself until night time. I only realized it was already dark because I was at the top of a tree. The time passed through me, yet I didn't noticed.

I kept being tormented by the memories of those I had already lost in this endless war. Every time I witnessed someone being eaten or torn apart I thought to myself, "that's it, I can't take it anymore. It's just too horrible to live like this". Yet, I still had neither died nor abandoned the Survey Corps. I must be a masochist.

No. I simply hate the feeling of disability I feel every time someone dies or gets hurt. I just don't want that to happen anymore. Is that such an impossible thing?

— I just everyone to live... — I mumbled to myself, extending my hand into the starry night sky.

— You surely aren't the only one with that kind of wish.

That got me by surprise. At the hurry I ended up getting my foot stuck in one branch and ended upside down facing captain Levi, who had heard my most personal and, at the same time, childish desire.

— AAH! — I screamed as I felt my foot being twisted — Damn it! Will you make some noise, please? — I complained as I freed myself and went to the ground, sitting and starting to rub my ankle, only then realizing who was there — Captain...

That made me forget about my mournfulness for the meantime. A twist was not a high price for that, actually.

— Not like I imagined there would be someone here either — replied him, clicking his tongue, an annoying habit of his.

I then tried to get up but my foot was still hurting pretty bad, what made me trip and almost fall into the ground.

— Let me see it. — said captain Levi making me sit down and touching my ankle.

After a moment he said:

— It's gonna hurt. — he pulled it and it clicked really loud.

It did hurt. I let it out a scream since it caught me by surprise, even though he'd warned me.

— See if you can walk now. — he said while helping me stand.

It still hurt, but it was bearable.

— Yeah, it hurts a little but not like before... — I looked to the ground — Thank you.

— You better rest even so, I put it back to place, but either way, the damage is done. Try not to force it.— I simply nodded.

An awkward silence filled the air, so I tried to break it — not really my strong point.

— By the way, why did you came over here, captain?

— Perhaps for the same reason as you... — stated him, gloomy.

For some reason, we started walking. That place was a little distant from the quarters.

This time, captain Levi took the initiative.

— You're worried about Erwin too, right?

I didn't know what to say. Or I just didn't wanted to let my fears to be known.

— I saw you trying to stop him from going on the next expedition... and I agree with you, it's just too risky for him to go like that... — my grief stroke me back.

— It's risky even for the ones who are in one piece...

— You're right. I already saw dozens of most experienced and talented soldiers than myself die in front of my eyes... I've been lucky, if I can call it that... but luck is chaotic, we can't know when it will perish.

— It's a game out there. It's kill or be killed, there's no in between. Whether luck exists or not, you shouldn't underestimate yourself. — he took a pause and stopped walking, looking to the sky — About go out there and kill titans, I never fear for myself, however, now…

He didn't ended his sentence. And I understood him. It was hard, to let it out, I mean. When we say something out loud, it's like it gets materialized, real.

I wanted to comfort him — not my strong point either.

— I know what you mean… Erwin was the one who gave you a purpose too, right? — he looked at me — I heard one thing or another, probably not everything is true, but well, soldiers talk. They also drink, and they tend to talk even more when they do.

He seemed surprised, like he just had realized something he didn't before. He kept looking at me, in silence.

— You see… I was from a poor household with a sick mother and a drunk father. — I looked back to the sky and continued walking slowly — When my mother died, my father would take every little income I made to drink… Even though I didn't really realized at the time, I had a pretty insignificant, yet common life. — I turned my eyes to Levi. He was walking beside me, with a neutral expression, looking up front — At one point of the road, I met Erwin, who saw something that until today I don't know what on myself. And that decision of his is what brought me here. Despite all the anguish and sadness from losing so much so many times as a soldier, I feel true gratefulness towards him — again, I didn't realized the tears that were running down my face as I spoke — He gave meaning to my ordinary existence.

I had never told that to anyone. And I don't know exactly why I told Captain Levi all that. It just seemed right to do so.

We kept walking, until he said:

— I have always covered the death of my comrades with the shameful reason of necessity. I guess this made this hole shit more acceptable. But I don't think Erwin's death to be one. On the contrary, for me, and for humanity, I believe he must live. What he represents is too important to be put it in danger… I don't get why he doesn't understands that.

I saw him close his fists, just as I had done earlier. I understood him and everything he felt, cause we were the same. I crouched and started to cry harder, now aware of my tears.

— What do we have to do to make him understand? Why is he such a selfish bastard? DAAAMN! — suddenly, I was angry just as much as I was sad. In that moment, I felt like I could run to Erwin and punch him in the face until he would agree with staying.

Because of this fire built up inside of me, I got up too quickly for my injured ankle, what made me scream once more.

— This stupid ankle, why do now of all times… — I took a deep breath. I knew I had to calm down, the situation wouldn't be solved just because I was feeling annoyed.

Captain Levi reached me, and put his hand on my shoulder. I looked at him, with no shame of my current state, since I knew he understood what I was going through. And he did, his eyes told me so.

— Let me take you until the quarters, no need to let your ankle get any worse — the only thing I could sense in his voice was sadness. He was just as desperate as I was, he just didn't show it out loud as myself.

I let him carry me. I had no strength left, I just wanted to sleep and forget.

The only sound at rest of the way was of the wind.


	2. pt 2

_pt. 2_

The shy morning sun coming from the window woke me up. I sat on the bed, looking around. I wasn't in my room. I tried remembering what had happened, and then flashes of the last night came to me.

 _It must be the Captain's room then. He should have woken me up when we arrived_ , I thought to myself, and then, when I went to get up, I saw a bandage on my right foot. I touch it, and then got up, carefully. It seemed pretty better than last night. I was able to walk properly, without limp.

In my attempt to sneak out quietly, I was caught.

— Yina, how's your foot? — the captain was coming from the opposite direction and caught me off guard.

— It's pretty much better, captain. — after a good night of sleep I came back to my senses. And I felt ashamed by my behaviour on the previous night — Thank you for your concern.

I intend to keep going my way, but he grabbed my wrist.

— I didn't get the opportunity to say this last night, but I'm sorry I was unable to convince Erwin to stay. — his gloomy expression made me realize that his sorrow wasn't only towards me, that apology was meant for himself as well.

— It's not your fault, captain. We both know our commander, as well as his temper. Let's just hope for the best… Is all we can do right now, isn't it? — I tried to give him an encouraging smile, but as that wasn't my thing either.

— Go easy on your leg — he said right before start to leave.

After that, we both went our ways.

We had only one day until the departure to Shiganshina, there was no more time to lose.

* * *

During that day, I did everything I had to do while trying to not run into Erwin. I could be back to myself, but I still was afraid to what I might do if I saw him.

However, squad leader Hange strictly told me to go ask Erwin permission about something regarding the expedition supplies. Right when I thought my day was passing by without any further trouble.

I would simply get in, ask him to sign the paper and get out. No need to overthink it.

I knocked at his office door and went in.

— Commander Erwin, squad leader Hange asked for permission regarding the expedition supplies. — I walked until his table and handed the papers.

He looked throughout, signed and handed me back.

— Permission to leave, sir.

— Only after you tell me what have you done to your leg.

That was Erwin. His damn eager eyes. No one else had noticed and I had been walking from one side to another all day. I was actually so busy that I even end up forgetting about it.

— Sir? — I tried to throw the oblivious card.

— Come on Yina, you really think that after 8 years I wouldn't notice when you act differently than usual? You're walking slower than usual, and you're sweating.

I put my hand on my forehead. He was right, he was always right. I sighed and end up letting my guard down.

— You're right, commander. I hurt my leg yesterday. And well, I must be sweating because I didn't take a break ever since I woke up.

I let my feelings speak, and that was no good, not when it came to Erwin. However, he didn't say anything, instead he got up from his chair and walked towards me.

— Now, you seat down, let me see your wound.

I couldn't argue with him. I simply did what he told me to.

He took off my right boot and saw my ankle. It was pretty bad compared to how it was in the morning. He looked at it and then sighed.

— You shouldn't be forcing yourself like this.

 _Yeah, tell me 'bout it!_ it's what I wanted to tell him, yet, I remained silent. He looked at me.

— Leave Hange's papers to me. You better go rest. I'll release you from the expedition, so you can recover properly.

I couldn't stand it anymore. I stood up, barefoot and looked at Erwin with fire in my eyes.

— Are you freaking kidding me, right, commander? How dare you say to me to stay behind because of a damn twist when all of my fellow are going and most of them will probably die? How dare you tell me that, when YOU are going despite your current condition? — I didn't mind receiving a penalty for my behaviour, I just needed to take that out of my chest.

I don't remember ever feeling like this. I was being consumed by my rage, and I could no longer stand still. It was time to Erwin to listen to me, for once.

— I am just one soldier amongst hundreds. But you, commander, are our hope, how can you neglect yourself so much? Why do you have to take so many risks? You know there're a lot of us who don't agree with you going, yet you ignore our opinions and keep acting selfishly! — the tears were so intensely falling that I had to stop so I could breathe.

I hid my face in my hands and started sobbing. I felt Erwin's hand on my shoulder. I slowly lifted my eyes.

— You're right, Yina. I'm one selfish bastard. But it's not like you didn't know that already. — _I couldn't understand why he always had to play the bad guy_ — I don't need you to worry about me. — _bastard_ — And you're right, I can't give you any special treatment just because we know each other for so long. I need you in the front line with me. Even if it means we'll both die.

I felt all my strength leaving me. How could he say those words to me? I cared for the life of a man who didn't mind dying. I was really an idiot.

— Good to know how little you mind about yourself, and about the ones who care about you. No need to worry, commander, I won't spend any more tears for someone who only care about achieving something. — I took my boot as well as Hange's papers, and start to leave the room. When I was close to the door, I turned around — I'll be waiting for my punishment for disregarding our almighty commander.

I walked without stop until I get to Hange's office. Some people were looking at me, since I was with an injured ankle and was walking with only one boot, but I didn't give a crap.

— Squad leader, here's the signature you ordered.

Me and Hange weren't exactly close, but since we also knew each other for quite a long time, we could read the other one pretty easily.

— What did Erwin did? — she started, not looking directly at me as she was dealing with some weird device of hers.

— He's being Erwin. And it's pissing me off. — I sat by her side and finally put on my boot.

— Is that why you're walking barefoot? — as usual of Hange, she didn't took me seriously.

— You can say so… Need me to do anything else? — I had no interest on keeping that kind of talking at the moment.

— Not really. — her eyes were still on her contraption.

— Ok then, I'll get going. — I stood up and were about to leave the room.

— Yina, try to have faith in Erwin. I know he's hard to deal with, but he's not a bad person. He's a little twisted, that's all. But well, would any of us be here if we were normal?

I didn't replied. I actually wanted to be pissed off. It made it easier.

And like that, the day ended.


	3. pt 3

_pt. 3_

The departure was louder than I expected. Unlike myself, people were really positive about the expedition. They were screaming and cheering us on. Some soldiers screamed back, while others were just too nervous to do the same.

Erwin was on the bright side. He screamed back and gave us order to go. I felt sadness knocking on my door again. However, I shook my head and obeyed.

When we were already on the other side of the wall, captain Levi approached me:

— I heard from Hange what happened… Sort of… — he started, riding beside me — How are you doing?

— Not great, but well, that would be the case even if I haven't twisted my leg, taking into account how shitty I feel now… — my answer was enough to show how bad my mood was.

— You were the one who said 'let's hope for the best'. — his expression was dark — Be like that won't be of any help, you need to be ready for what we might be going to face it, soldier. — he started to ride away.

He was right... I was acting like an annoying brat, and that was not the time. I was a soldier, and I had to fulfill my duty as one.

— Yes, sir. — I screamed back so he could hear it.

And so I suppressed my emotions and went back to act like a soldier should.

* * *

Oddly, we were able to arrive to Shiganshina without any trouble.

And more odd than that was the fact that once we arrived, we didn't see any titans around.

Something was definitely wrong.

* * *

It was all happening really fast, way faster than any other expedition. I wasn't being able to think straight.

I was close to the gate that led to Shiganshina, and than I saw Erwin and Levi talking.

— And thus, I'll die in the front line, not ever knowing what what's in that basement — it was Erwin.

— What? — Levi didn't seem to believe him.

— I… really just wished I could go to that basement… The reason that I was able to make it this far was because I believed that the day would come… That someday I'd get those answers I've been looking for. There were so many times where I thought death would be so much easier… but I couldn't get the thought of my father's dream out of my head. And now, here I am, the answer right at my grasp… it's right there… But tell me, Levi… Tell me this is all a childish delusion…

I couldn't stop crying by hearing that. That couldn't be happening.

— How could you be that selfish, Yina? — I mumbled to myself.

— You have fought well. — was the only thing Levi said I was able to heard, cause afterwards, my own thoughts engulfed me.

 _Erwin. You were the one who widened all my perspectives. Haven't I met you, I'd live and die without living._

— Yina?

 _I'd have just been like a cattle… A damn ignorant cattle. The consciousness you gave me is my most important thing… And yet, I wanted to narrow you… I wanted to make you give up on chasing your dream because of my own comfort… Because I thought the only thing that mattered was you being alive._

— Yina?

 _I was the selfish bastard._

I felt someone touch my shoulder. I looked up, it was Erwin.

— Commander? — I felt like I wouldn't be able to stand up, but yet, I did. I thought he would scold me, but he didn't say anything, he just kept looking at me with those blue eyes of his.

Once again, he saw my tears, tears that shouldn't be falling, since I had promised him I wouldn't spend any on him. I was a hypocrite.

No. I wasn't crying only for Erwin, I was crying for myself as well, for how long it took me to realize those things. For how long it took me to see through him and through myself.

Then, I said the only thing it could be said:

— Let's die together.


	4. pt 4

_pt. 4_

I opened my eyes. The sky was blue and the sun was bright. I had no strength to keep them open any longer. I would just sleep a little bit more…

* * *

I opened my eyes. My body hurt. I tried to sit, but my arms didn't answered. I looked around, still not quite conscious. It was a room. I had saw the sky and the sun, how was I suddenly in a room… I couldn't think straight. I felt weak. My eyes closed once again.

* * *

I opened my eyes. I was still in the same room. I looked at the window. It was dark outside. I tried to sit. I was able to, but my right arm hurt like hell. I looked at it and saw it was immobilized. I tried to stand. When I saw I was able to, I realized how hungry I was. I had never felt so hungry in my entire life. I left the room to search for food.

I arrived to the kitchen and started to eat everything I could.

— Sasha? Haven't I told you not to eat when is not the time, already! — a hand took the bread I was holding.

I looked up. It was Hange.

— Hange?

— Yina? You're awake! What are you doing here... you should be resting! — she grabbed my shoulders and shaked me. Then, she remembered I was hurt and stopped. — Oh, sorry, sorry, are you alright?

I nodded saying it was alright.

— Hange, what happened to your eye?

— Oh, that? I hurt during the expedition. It's better now, no need to worry. — she said that really fast.

— And… What happened with the expedition? I can't seem to remember anything… Did we succeeded?

She looked down.

— Why don't you eat and rest a little bit more and then we can talk about it in the morning?

That didn't looked much like Hange. It made me worry. Suddenly, my senses awakened.

— I think I had plenty of rest already, so, if you're not busy, why don't you just tell me? I don't need every little detail… — I was suspicious.

— Well, okay, then. I always think it's best to do it fast so it hurts less, and since you're being like that, Levi can't blame me. — she kept talking really quickly, a thing she does when she's excited or feeling unease.

— Why would he blame you? — I frowned.

— The mission goal was fulfilled, however we have lost a lot of our comrades... — she was still not looking at me.

I was trying real hard to remember, but only some disconnected flashes were coming to me.

— How is Erwin?

She became pale.

— Hange?

— He had an honourable death. — another voice entered the room.

I stood up. It was captain Levi. I kept looking at him, not understanding his words.

— Yina… — Hange touched my hand — Erwin is no longer among us.

The memories I've been suppressing came to me all at once.

I couldn't bare it.

Everything went black.

* * *

I opened my eyes. I was lying on the bed again. However, it was now daytime. Hange was sitting next to me and captain Levi was by the window.

— Yina, how are you feeling?

— Tell me it isn't true… — I started to press my temples. My head was hurting a lot.

— I'm sorry, Yina, but it is... — Hange got up — Take your time, we're all healing yet, it's not being easy to any of us.

Hange was acting more dependable than it fit her character, and that made me become more aware of the situation. Everything seemed to be collapsing, it was hard to be hopeful at the moment. She apologised, saying she had things to deal with, and left. Her expression stayed etched on my retina.

— Why was I _lucky_ to end up alive again? Everyone else in the front is dead... What makes me more worthy than all of them? Than Erwin? — I was falling apart. _What were we supposed to do, with Erwin gone, what would become of the Survey Corps?_

— Yina. — Levi sat beside me, he was clearly shaken up — We can't know what will happen tomorrow… Unless we live until there. Erwin gave up his lifetime goal so that we could continue to fight, we can't be weak right now. We both owe our lives to him, so we must go until we understand the truth he so desperately sought. You agree with me, right?

Even though he hid that pretty well, he seemed at the verge of crying. His sadness was heartbreaking.

— Thank you, captain. You're right… You see, I always thought that I needed Erwin to live, since he was the only one who reach out to me… But that wasn't true. I realized, way too late, unfortunately, that he gave me wings to fly, and not to cover myself with it. — tears were falling, but I wasn't exactly sad, I was relieved for letting those things out — I'll continue to fight until we find out everything about this world... or until I die… Not just because of Erwin, but for myself too.

Our eyes met.

No other words were needed for understanding.

 _Cause we were the same_.


	5. extra

_extra._

A couple of weeks passed. Things were finally getting back to place. Obviously, things were different, but we were all seeing some hope again. The recent discoveries that there were humans outside of the walls — Eren's father was one of them — allowed us to dream again.

Hange was, for my surprise, the new appointed Commander. It was weird, but I could understand why Erwin choose her as his successor.

That night was my night off, so I was planning to go out and take a little break by myself.

I was on my way out when I hearded:

— Night off too, soldier? — it was captain Levi. I haven't seen him in a while.

— Yes, captain. Are you heading out as well? — for some reason my face started to feel hot.

— Yeah, I really need to drink. Today was one of those days… I rather deal with titans than with humans sometimes...

— Mind if I join you? — _what? Why did I said that, ok, heart, please, give me a break. Now it's done._

— No… only this time you might have to carry me back. — he said smiling, ironically.

We went to a bar he knew and ordered some drinks. None of us were talking. I couldn't seem to think about a topic to start a conversation.

— Have you fully recovered? — he asked, casually, looking to my arm.

— It's almost as good as new… — I moved my arm back and forth. I kept thinking about what to talk without success.

Out of anxiety, I drank my beer really fast. Hopefully, the alcohol would help me talk. Captain Levi didn't seemed too tense, he was enjoying his drink looking at the customers.

— I wonder what it may be like to live without ever having to see titans… — he stated, looking at those happy people drinking their livers out.

I watched the civilians. They were visibly different than us. Not because of their clothes nor anything, but their eyes were different. They showed genuine ignorance. Those people didn't have the slightest idea of what we had to face on a regular basis. _It should be nice to live like that…_ Suddenly, I remember myself and my ignorance, what made me disagree with my previous thought.

— I have the opinion that there are people who need to face ordeals in order to grow… Maybe that's because I consider myself as one of those… — I started to stare at my empty glass.

— Well, who knows… but I see your point. — he called the waiter and asked for more drinks.

— You told me it's been 8 years you became a soldier, right? — I nodded — How come you are not even a team leader?

I sighed. That brought me memories. Obviously, not all good ones. Before I started talking the waiter arrived with our drinks.

— Honestly, I used to be a team soldier… however, there was one tragic incident that made me step back from my position… — I took a sip of my beverage before continuing — it was around 5 years ago, before Wall Maria had fall… Erwin offered me to went back to that role, but everytime he did, I refused.

I took a little break. Even though this was years in the past, I still felt it.

— I guess it's because I'm a coward… I can't bear the weight of other people lives…

I thought he would say something, but he remained silent for a while, drinking. Then, he stopped and said:

— I know what this is like… What would you think of me if I said to you I was able to save Erwin, but yet I didn't? — his voice was dark, and he didn't took his eyes off his glass.

I didn't understood what he meant by that. So I just waited for him to continue.

— You see… You know about the serum that is able to turn people into titans? — I nodded — We had one of those, and Erwin entrusted me with the decision of who should receive the titan power. — he stopped and took another sip of his drink — Erwin didn't die at the moment he was hit by the beast titan's attack… He was brought to me by one of our soldiers, unconscious, but still alive… in the meantime, Armin Arlelt was also at the verge of dying… he had his entire body burned by the colossal titan's smoke… — another break. I didn't dare to intervene — You know how I wanted Erwin to live, right… — his voice was sorrowful, and he didn't looked at me in the eye — But in the end, I let him die… — a tear came down his face — I selfishly assumed that he should rest after all the play he put on for so long… that he had done more than enough… that he also deserved to rest… and that I could live with that decision with no regret…

I didn't quite knew how to react after hearing all that. For a moment, I didn't understand why did he told me that. But then, I realized. The fact that the captain wasn't sure he had made the right call was haunting him, and it seemed to be eating him alive. His burden was immeasurable. I didn't know how he could endure all that so well up until now.

— Captain… — I started crying — I can't assure you whether you did or not the right decision… all I can do is say I understand you — for the first time since he started talking, he looked at me, with a surprised look on his face — This is what it's different about us… I can't imagine myself doing such a difficult decision like that one… I really envy this about you, I wanted to be a more dependable person… — I looked down, I didn't know what else to say.

— You're a more dependable person than you think, soldier. You think it was easy for me to tell you that? — he said slowly, looking at his drink.

I looked at him. The captain still seemed sad, but also warm. Now the one who was surprised was myself. He continued:

— Well, it wasn't, but if I was ever going to tell that to someone, I could only think of you… because I feel that, unlike others, you see me as a person, full of flaws and not sure of anything… in that sense, I guess you're the most dependable person to me. — he had stopped crying. I, on the other hand, was crying even more — So, thank you, Yina.

I couldn't stop crying, so I hid my face on my hands and kept sobbing.

I felt his arms around me.

 _Thank you, Levi_.


End file.
